When I work on Rock His World, I feel sometimes like I spend a lot of time writing about the sexual dynamic of marriages. I think, “Do I really need to spend so much time writing about the sexual aspect of marriage?” After all, there is a lot more to marriage than sex and much of it is very important. However, as I spend time talking with men, many of them faithful Christians, or I look around the net, I find that there are many Christians who are struggling with the sexual side of marriage.
It amazes me that an act that takes a relatively short time out of our day can bring so much stress to a relationship and that same act can also bring so much joy! I believe that an investment of 15 to 30 minutes, 2 – 4 times a week, can make huge changes in a marriage. To emphasize that point, I wonder how many wives would ignore their husbands if he were to come in and say, “Honey, we need to talk about something.” I suspect that most women would drop everything give that conversation their full attention, because they would see it as important and would be more than a little miffed with their husband if he did not give her the time she needed when she said, “Honey, we need to talk.” It seems
ironic tragic to me that wives will gladly give time to talk, but can’t seem to find time to make love to said husband. Just as talking is important to you, so sex is to him.
I have to admit in my own marriage that at various times sex has been a struggle for us. There are times sex binds us together and times that it drives a wedge between us. I can say this, that when things are going well for us sexually, I feel empowered, I feel loved, I feel that we can face problems more unified than when we are struggling sexually. This feeling of empowerment helps me in every area of my life, my family life, my job, my spiritual life, even my golf game or my running.
I wish I could say that sex is not a big thing and that I did not feel led to write about it as I do. But the truth is, for almost all marriages sex is important. (I guess that there may be a few, probably very few, marriages were neither spouse cares about ever having sex and that for them it is not an issue.) Outside of those rare instances, sex is important to at least one of the people involved. The research I have done seems to indicate that in about 2/3s of marriages it is the husband that has the higher sex drive, and in about 1/3 of marriages it is the wives who have the higher sex drive.
Every marriage is different and how much sex means in each marriage is hard to determine. I would caution anyone to not write sex off as being unimportant. Don’t make the mistake of saying, “My marriage is the exception.” If you are thinking that sit down with your spouse and have a lot of honest discussions about sex. Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of believing that because your spouse is not asking you for sex, that everything is okay sexually and that they are no issues. If he or she has been rejected enough times, they will withdraw, because it is easier to deal with sexual frustration that dealing with sexual frustration and being rejected. When you talk allow each other to express wants and needs without judging each other or getting mad about the truth. You may not like what you hear in these honest discussions, but you need to hear it. Don’t get mad at what you hear, instead, ask what you can do about the problem and then try to fix it. If you are the low drive spouse in the family, please don’t make the mistake of thinking that because sex is not important to you that it is not important to your spouse or think that adding sex once more a month is going to solve the problem.
I believe there is a tendency for the high drive spouse to feel pressure to hide their true feelings about sex in their marriage. They are afraid that if they admit that sex is important to them that their low drive spouse will view them as a sex fiend, a perv, and shallow because they think sex is important. There are a lot of men and women out there for whom sex is an important act and if it is not a regular part of their marriage, they feel like they are not truly loved, not truly fulfilled.
Different people have different reasons for why they feel that sex is so important. It really does not matter why they think it is important, the fact that it is important to one of you, should make it become important to both of you. That is what marriage is all about, caring for each other, loving each other, and meeting each other’s needs. Besides, remember, sex can also be a whole lot of fun, when we let ourselves go, and let ourselves remember it’s okay to enjoy it with our spouses.