Seeing it from His Side

We all know, but we forget it sometimes; Men and women think differently, we large_37396194_66fa1a7d7e_bdo things differently.  Most of the time neither gender is really right or really wrong, we are just different.  In the end that difference, although frustrating, is over all a good thing.

To complicate matters, we (men and women) can be pretty inconsistent in certain areas of our lives.  What we do today in a situation is not what we did last time we were in a similar situation. Part of the change is because of experience that is that we make a change because of what happened last time.  However, in other cases, the difference has to do more to do with our mood.  For example, yesterday I had this delicious melon drink at the Mexican restaurant we ate at for lunch, it was wonderful, however today the thought of it is making my stomach hurt because it was so sweet and I am not in the mood for sweet.

You are probably wondering, “What has this got to do with my marriage?”  The answer is simple, it is hard for us husbands to know what pleases you some days and we are asking that you be patient with us.

Lost and Confused SignpostWhat often times is confusing for husbands is that what a wife wants one day is not what she wants other days.  In talking to other husbands, they also say that they to have a hard time dealing with their wives inconsistencies and that there are only a couple of things that they are really consistent on.  I am willing to bet that it is the same way for most couples.

Does it ever go like this for you? One day you are cuddly and huggy and want be to given a hug and a kiss every time your husband gets anywhere close to.  But other days you want to be totally left alone and don’t even want to be touched.  From experience, this is frustrating and doubly so because there are not any telltale signs of which mood she is in until it is too late.  By the time most of us figure it out, we like we are in trouble and the damage is already done.

This can relate to many things – from what restaurant eat at to movies to watch, from what to do around the house to help her, to how to take care of the kids, from what I cook for dinner when I cook for us, to what places on her body I can touch in bed.  What is okay one day is not okay the next and your husband does not understand always know how to deal with that. (BTW – I know, we can be just as annoyingly inconsistent – I will try to address that with the guys in a future post to the hubbies.)

The truth is, this drives husbands crazy.  It makes them unsure of their actions, unsure of what to do much of the time.  To make matters even worse, it seems like most guys feel like they make the wrong decision most of the time and that makes them uncertain about their actions and that uncertainty makes them want to pull away and not even try.  The net effect is that this causes us to not be as close to one another as we should be.

What You Can Do:

Forgiveness-webBe honest with yourself.  Are you ever like this?  If you are, then I ask you, please give your husband a break.  Understand that it is difficult for your husband to read you.  Understand that it is often confusing for him. If he gets the mood wrong, don’t get mad at him, give him the same understanding that you want when you do something wrong.  Most likely, your husband is trying hard to do the right thing, help him know what you want, what you are in the mood for, he will be grateful not having to guess, and you will be happy because you will get what you are looking for also.

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7 thoughts on “Seeing it from His Side

  1. “What is okay one day is not okay the next and your husband does not understand [or] always know how to deal with that.”

    Perhaps it’s being a little older (48) or even the fact I’m remarried, but I make a real conscious effort not to be like this. I think I’m typically pretty easy going about things too and I know when hormones or just a bad day are starting to play havoc on how I feel, so I tend to be more careful how I act with my husband. I’ll even tell him when I’m having an ‘off’ day, but I never, ever, act as inconsistently as you describe. I just think it is horrible to treat our spouses that way. I mean sometimes we may say something without thinking or act a little grumpy, but in those moments we need to take stock of how we are acting or behaving and take control of it.

    Communication is definitely necessary to keep a marriage running smoothly and staying healthy and happy. Treat your spouse as you would a close friend and be gracious about how you act towards them. Do not take your spouse for granted, but welcome their embrace and love every single day.

    • I am glad that you are even keel about it. I know a few who are not and they also are older. It helps when we are evened out. Good for you, good for your hubby, good for your marriage!!

  2. I’m pretty even-keel about my level of affection, but my likes and dislikes do change constantly. I think my husband has adjusted to this though, and if he does something I used to like but now don’t, I don’t usually point it out. I know I’m fickle and confusing. 🙂 Btw, I got your email and tried to respond but something is wrong with my server. I’ll get back to you soon!

    • Another great perspective. It helps to know that we are fickle. I know I can be – especially when I am hammered by outside factors, like work, a cold, a problem – I hate that if makes me fickle. As recognize our own fickleness it helps to see what we are doing and it helps to explain it to our spouse, not as an excuse, but as a means to understanding each other.

      I Just got your email. I worked!

  3. You are right, grace and communication are the keys! Throwing our spouse off kilter because of inconsistent actions is not right. It’s not fair for either spouse to try to manipulate through rejection. A spouse might not see their rejection as manipulation, but I think it can be. It takes a lot of conversations to get to the root of the problem, though. I can still be in a bad mood and accept a hug, even when I don’t really want to be touched. That’s the grace part. Accept the words that don’t come across right, accept the touches, accept with grace. When things are smooth sailing, it’s easy to extend this grace. When there has been some tension between the two of us, it’s harder to extend the grace. That’s why I say you have to get to the root of the problem and fix it to make the grace easier. Great reminder for us ladies that husband’s have straight forward and good motives, the implementation may be rough….

    • Thank you Bonnie-Pearl!

      You are right that we need to remember to always extend grace to our spouse. Sometimes that means, if she does not accept my touch because she is in a “touch me not mood,” that I understand she is not rejecting me, but rejecting touch because for whatever reasons, touch is not pleasant at the moment. (Migraines are one example.) I can give grace by not getting upset and feeling reject, but rather asking if I can do something else to help her.

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