I had a talk with a friend recently. He and his wife had just had a fight. It was not huge, it was not mean, but he knows his wife and knows that there will be hurt that he has to deal with. He is fearful that this will put a wedge between he and his wife, he felt (and still feels) that he needed to talk about those issues. Now he fears she will fall into a pattern that she has fallen into in the past which something like this: “I can’t trust you with my heart (or my body) because you hurt me. I have to pull away until I can trust you again.” I really feel for my friend, it is a hard place to be and yes, I have been there also.
There are some things that you need to know about that attitude, in case you or some of your friends ever exhibit it:
Withdrawing may make you feel better, but it will harm your relationship with your husband. It will cause him to withdraw from you. It will cause him to become even more critical and less patient. In short it will make the problems a whole lot worse than they currently are. (No, it is not right, it is not the way it should be, but it is the way it will all most certainly be.)
Remember that some problems do have to brought up. Chances are you have done this to, you have had to bring up some problems that made your husband uncomfortable. You did not do it to make him mad or to be mean, but you did because it was something that needed to be dealt with. The same thing is true for him. He sees something that he thinks needs to be fixed. Instead of getting mad at him, be grateful he cares enough to bring it up.
Acknowledge the hurt you have, but seek to forgive. Your hurt is real, your pain is real. However, no matter how much you are hurting, you still need to forgive your husband for what he did. You need to do this whether he asks for it or not. (Yes, it would best for him to ask for it and I truly hope he will.) It has always amazed me that Jesus spent so much time talking about the importance of forgiving others, He basically said, if we don’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven.
Your husband will never be perfect. That is okay, neither will you. Seems like I heard a great teacher say something like, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” You need to treat him the way you want to be treated. (Matt 7:12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”) Do you want to be held to a standard of perfection? No, I don’t blame you. Don’t hold him to that standard. Do you want to be forgiven when you behave wrongly, whether you ask for it or not? If your answer is, “No,” then forgive when you are wronged.
If we all think about it, we know that we should not expect perfection from our spouse, but I think sometimes, we conscientiously expect it. Let us do what we can to change this habit and to understand that we are all going to have bad days.
It really saddens me the way I see some Christians dress. Some ladies seem like they want to dress in such away that they want guys to stare at them and let’s face it, chances are, starring is the first step towards lusting. Ladies, please, don’t do this to us. Tease your husband around the house all you want, but dress classy in public.
I was cleaning out my office today and found an old Journey CD that I inherited from some where. I looked that the songs on there and thought, hey, a couple of these are good for Make out Monday. BTW – try not to laugh at the hair. Why did we ever think that was cool?
Journey – Faithfully
Journey – Lovin’, Touchin’, Squeezin’ – Yes, you can look at this song and say, it is not strictly a love song because there are the break-up elements in it. And you would be right, but at that same time, it is also a warning, that we need to draw closer to our spouse in order to keep those things from happening.
Extra – Extra
Journey – Any Way You Want It
A reminder that we all need to be more selfless.
There are some places where it is harder for guys to keep their mind off of other women. (Not that I am condoning husbands ogling other women, we husbands should not those types of things, but let’s face it sometimes it is harder than other times and we look, okay, more bluntly we stare.) Most good husbands really would rather not stare; they know it is not good for them or for their marriage to stare. They don’t buy into that old adage, “It is okay to look as long as you don’t touch.” I believe that there are some things wives can do to help your husbands not stare and I believe that there are some places where hubby will need extra help, but first let’s look at some places that are dangerous for hubbies.
Here Are Some Places You Husband Needs Your Help:
Downtown: In a lot or major cities, there are a lot of women who dress up attract the attention of men. I won’t speculate why they do it, but I have seen it more than a few times. I had a boss once, who told me that he could not work downtown, because he was afraid if he did, he would stray.
Social Events: It seems that at some events the ladies are really trying to outdo each other and all of them trying to look their absolute best. Some of them will do this discretely, while others will really go over the top and will use “sexy” to get the attention they want.
Business Trips: Guys are in a strange place, often they are not known by anyone, and often their nights are free. Need I say more?
Some Miscellaneous places: The gym, sporting events, concerts, even the coffee house.
What You Can Do to Help: Okay, now that we have identified some places that are dangerous for husbands, here are some ideas that can you can do to help make these situations not quite as difficult. I believe that all of these suggestions will make him stronger and better able to deal with temptation.
- Make sure that he knows that you love him. This will do more to strengthen him than you can believe.
- Do your best to look nice for him, especially when he has to go into these difficult situations.
- That includes wear nice clothes, I am not talking sexy clothing, although in the right cases that can be great, but I am talking about wearing clothes that you know you look good in and he likes to see you in. (This also means not wearing your dumpy clothes around the house all the time.)
- Taking time to fix yourself up, your hair, your make up – if he is around women who make themselves up nice all day and he comes home to find you in your ugly sweats day after day, your hair in a mess, and no make up on, it will make it much harder for him not to look.
- Take care of his needs: Whatever they are and they could be anything, but they are important to him and if they are important to him, they should be important to you. (Just think the things that are important to you should be important to him.) I have listed a few needs below:
- Good food – Good will mean a lot of different things to different people, but there are some things that I think ought to apply: Types of food that he likes. Food that is healthy for him. (Yes, there is healthy food that he will like – I may have to post about that one later on.)
- A comfortable place to live. This basically means that the house has to be taken care of. No guy wants to come home to a huge mess all the time. (If part of it is his fault, help him to see that.)
- A place that he is respected. Home should not be a constant battle front, yes sometimes you have to deal with issues, just make sure it is not a daily thing.
- Keep him happy in bed. It is much easier for a guy to resist temptation when he does not have a lot of pent up sexual energy. Burn up that energy with him, it will help to bind him to you. A couple of secrets: Be the aggressor part of the time, a man likes to know that his wife wants him and will pursue him sometimes. Be enthusiastic and passionate when you make love, if you are always passive, he will feel like he is missing out on passion.
Ladies, do what you can to help you man not stray, either in thought, in stares, or in action. I believe that if you work at it, the benefits will really pay off. Again, I don’t condone guys staring at women, it leads to problems for their life, for their marriage, and it hurts their wife. They should not do it, it is my hope and my prayer that what you do will keep their eyes only on you!