Don’t Expect Perfection

I had a talk with a friend recently.  He and his wife had just had a fight.  It was 2610462_Gnot huge, it was not mean, but he knows his wife and knows that there will be hurt that he has to deal with.  He is fearful that this will put a wedge between he and his wife, he felt (and still feels) that he needed to talk about those issues.  Now he fears she will fall into a pattern that she has fallen into in the past which something like this:  “I can’t trust you with my heart (or my body) because you hurt me.  I have to pull away until I can trust you again.”  I really feel for my friend, it is a hard place to be and yes, I have been there also.

There are some things that you need to know about that attitude, in case you or some of your friends ever exhibit it:

Withdrawing may make you feel better, but it will harm your relationship with your husband.  It will cause him to withdraw from you.  It will cause him to become even more critical and less patient.  In short it will make the problems a whole lot worse than they currently are. (No, it is not right, it is not the way it should be, but it is the way it will all most certainly be.)

Remember that some problems do have to brought up.  Chances are you 1343869794690_5469279have done this to, you have had to bring up some problems that made your husband uncomfortable.  You did not do it to make him mad or to be mean, but you did because it was something that needed to be dealt with.  The same thing is true for him.  He sees something that he thinks needs to be fixed.  Instead of getting mad at him, be grateful he cares enough to bring it up.

Acknowledge the hurt you have, but seek to forgive.  Your hurt is real, your pain is real.  However, no matter how much you are hurting, you still need to forgive your husband for what he did.  You need to do this whether he asks for it or not.  (Yes, it would best for him to ask for it and I truly hope he will.)  It has always amazed me that Jesus spent so much time talking about the importance of forgiving others, He basically said, if we don’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven.

Your husband will never be perfect.  That is okay, neither will you.  Seems like I heard a great teacher say something like, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  You need to treat him the way you want to be treated. (Matt 7:12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”)  Do you want to be held to a standard of perfection?  No, I don’t blame you. Don’t hold him to that standard.  Do you want to be forgiven when you behave wrongly, whether you ask for it or not? If your answer is, “No,” then forgive when you are wronged.

If we all think about it, we know that we should not expect perfection from our spouse, but I think sometimes, we conscientiously expect it.  Let us do what we can to change this habit and to understand that we are all going to have bad days.

Advertisements

What He Wants In Bed

I can almost guess what some of you are thinking, “Okay Jed, what makes you think you know what all or at least most guys want in bed?”   Good question.  In my defense, “I say, give it a read and if you think I missed something let me know.”

I there there are just a few things that your husband really wants when it comes to sex:

The First Thing is Variety: Let’s face it, with few exceptions doing things the HardPkVarietysame way again and again gets pretty boring. For both of you!  Speaking personally, I like all of the following: Quickies, longies, times that it is laid back – like long cuddling that leads to making love, intense times where we are giving as much passion as we can to each other.  I don’t think I have ever found a position I don’t like, but then again we have not tried some of the ones that require us to be gymnasts. I like it when she takes control and like it when she wants me to control.  Time of the day? Well, any time we can squeeze it in.  Love massages before, I would really rather give her one, than get one, but I would not complain either way. (Check my post – The Ultimate Massage.) Lights on, lights off, candles, moonlight through the window, it is all great.  Above anything else, I want all of these and would love rotating between them.  I may like some more than others, but the truth is, I would take variety over doing my favorite activities over and over.

06-chalkboard-calculation-lgnAnother Important Factor is Frequency:  This is impossible to really say how much is enough.  For some guys they will want 5 or more times a week for other guys 1 – 2 a week will be enough.  For most couples that, number will not be a firm number, but it will vary from week to week.  The most important thing is that you two talk together and that you find out what your husband is thinking about for frequency and what you are thinking.  That is the starting point, set a goal and try to make it happen.  You might want to keep track when you do have sex so that you know, chances are your husband knows how often you are having sex, he good chance he knows how many times you have turned him down since you last had sex also.

Photo Jun 02, 6 30 07 PMThe Most Important Thing is You Being Engaged:  Your husband does not want to be a passive partner, he wants you to enjoy it, (many guys are as worried about your O as they are about their own O.)  He wants you to participate.  If it is a time where he is taking charge, he wants you to enjoy, but he also wants you to let him know that you are enjoying what he is doing.  You don’t have to be a “screamer” to let him know that, but a little verbal feedback would not hurt, moans and sighs are great encouragement for a man.  As are things like, “Right there,” “don’t stop,” “oooh, that feels nice,” and “I love you!”  Your husband wants you to enjoy sex as much as or more than he does.  Nothing is sexier than having your spouse want you as much as you want them.  No, he is looking for you to be a porn star, but he does not want you staring at the ceiling and be thinking, “I wish we would have re-textured the ceiling before we painted this room.”

I-Want-You-620x350The Most Important Thing Your Husband Wants Is You!  He wants your love and your playfulness.  He wants your touch and your attention.  He wants you to be into him as much as you want him to be into you!

He may speak a different love language, but he loves you as much or more in his love language  as you do in yours.  If you want him to learn your love language, make sure you are willing to learn his. (If you need more info about Love Languages, click here for links from my resource page.)

Making the Most of the Time You Have

large_housework1_040508Husbands, believe it or not, can be a very understanding. We know that our wives are very busy.  The have a lot of responsibilities, which include, taking care of the house and the kids, probably volunteering for some organization, responsibilities at church, and in many cases, working outside the home also.

We understand that our wives are busy and that they are tired, sometimes (maybe even most of the time) to the point of being exhausted. We know that when you are like, there is not a lot of time for us and that you don’t have the energy to think about making love to us.  We may not like that you have no time for us, we don’t like it, but we get it, we understand that sometimes there is nothing left for us.  We tend to not get upset about it, because we know how life is.

There are however a couple of things that really do bother most guys, chances are that your husband is dealing with this.  I think it is important for you to know, what bothers us, it is even more important for you to be working on a solution to fix these problems:

Design background elementProblem One: Why Don’t You Make More Time for Us? We understand that there are many important things in your life.  We know that we can always be your number one priority, but it seems far too often that we are not even in the top ten of your priorities.  Maybe you think we are tough and therefore we can roll with the punches and we are okay with not being in the top ten.  Most of us can deal with that for a short time, but when we feel like we are never in the top 10 and you never seem to try to change that, well we don’t like it!  We believe that if we are really important to you, you would find a way to put us in the top ten.  When you don’t we start to believe that we really don’t matter much to you.

120404061904-couple-bed-woman-ignoring-man-story-topProblem Two: There are Nights when you are not so busy and tired, yet you don’t seem interesting in us on those nights.  We understand that many days you are worn out from all that you do.  What bothers us is, when there is a night where you are not too busy, not too tired, and you want to take up you time with things that do not involve us.  We even know that sometimes that you just need some time to yourself.  However, if for the past five nights you have had free, you have not made us a significant part of that time any of those night, it is hard for us to take.

Here are some of the things I hear from guys that their wives do instead of spending time with them. I am not talking about doing this for just an hour or two, but I know wives that spend literally from 7:00 or 8:00 until after midnight on one or more of these.  If it was just an hour or two, we would not complain, probably even enjoy it, because we know you need to unwind some and it would give us some time to unwind.

  • The computer, doing anything from FB to solitaire.
  • Playing with the pets.
  • On the phone with friends.
  • Games, either computer, video, card, or on paper like a crossword puzzle.
  • TV or Movies.
  • Hobbies.
  • Let’s not forget “Ladies’ Night Out.”

We don’t want to take away your fun, we don’t want to take away your enjoyment, and we just want to be part of that fun and enjoyment.  We want to think that spending time with us will make you happy, that it will be fun, that we can help relax you.  We know you make us happy, make us feel good, and we want to not only be with you, but we want to make you feel better.

Ladies, if you want to keep your marriage strong, if you want it to weather the test of time, if you want it to ride out the storms of life so that you can sail into the sunset happily with your husband, then you need to do your part to make it ship-shape.  You need to make him a priority in your marriage most of the time and you need to spend at least half of your down time with him.

More Rockin’ Words

Rockin’ Words convey a deep sense of emotion, love, and desire to your spouse.  You can use them anytime you want to make him smile, to make him think about you, or to make him drop everything and hug you.

Here are some Rockin’ Words:

  • My life is not complete without you.
  • Don’t go, stay here with me.
  • I’ll give you a good work out if you stay here with me instead of going on your run right now.
  • I love you more than chocolate.
  • I’d rather have you than coffee in the morning.
  • I want to make you as happy as you make me!
  • My lips want to cuddle with your lips.
  • How about we spend all morning in bed together.

If you want more Rockin Words, check out my page Rockin’ Words.  I will add these words to that list and will update it from time to time.