Don’t Expect Perfection

I had a talk with a friend recently.  He and his wife had just had a fight.  It was 2610462_Gnot huge, it was not mean, but he knows his wife and knows that there will be hurt that he has to deal with.  He is fearful that this will put a wedge between he and his wife, he felt (and still feels) that he needed to talk about those issues.  Now he fears she will fall into a pattern that she has fallen into in the past which something like this:  “I can’t trust you with my heart (or my body) because you hurt me.  I have to pull away until I can trust you again.”  I really feel for my friend, it is a hard place to be and yes, I have been there also.

There are some things that you need to know about that attitude, in case you or some of your friends ever exhibit it:

Withdrawing may make you feel better, but it will harm your relationship with your husband.  It will cause him to withdraw from you.  It will cause him to become even more critical and less patient.  In short it will make the problems a whole lot worse than they currently are. (No, it is not right, it is not the way it should be, but it is the way it will all most certainly be.)

Remember that some problems do have to brought up.  Chances are you 1343869794690_5469279have done this to, you have had to bring up some problems that made your husband uncomfortable.  You did not do it to make him mad or to be mean, but you did because it was something that needed to be dealt with.  The same thing is true for him.  He sees something that he thinks needs to be fixed.  Instead of getting mad at him, be grateful he cares enough to bring it up.

Acknowledge the hurt you have, but seek to forgive.  Your hurt is real, your pain is real.  However, no matter how much you are hurting, you still need to forgive your husband for what he did.  You need to do this whether he asks for it or not.  (Yes, it would best for him to ask for it and I truly hope he will.)  It has always amazed me that Jesus spent so much time talking about the importance of forgiving others, He basically said, if we don’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven.

Your husband will never be perfect.  That is okay, neither will you.  Seems like I heard a great teacher say something like, “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  You need to treat him the way you want to be treated. (Matt 7:12 “Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”)  Do you want to be held to a standard of perfection?  No, I don’t blame you. Don’t hold him to that standard.  Do you want to be forgiven when you behave wrongly, whether you ask for it or not? If your answer is, “No,” then forgive when you are wronged.

If we all think about it, we know that we should not expect perfection from our spouse, but I think sometimes, we conscientiously expect it.  Let us do what we can to change this habit and to understand that we are all going to have bad days.

What He Wants In Bed

I can almost guess what some of you are thinking, “Okay Jed, what makes you think you know what all or at least most guys want in bed?”   Good question.  In my defense, “I say, give it a read and if you think I missed something let me know.”

I there there are just a few things that your husband really wants when it comes to sex:

The First Thing is Variety: Let’s face it, with few exceptions doing things the HardPkVarietysame way again and again gets pretty boring. For both of you!  Speaking personally, I like all of the following: Quickies, longies, times that it is laid back – like long cuddling that leads to making love, intense times where we are giving as much passion as we can to each other.  I don’t think I have ever found a position I don’t like, but then again we have not tried some of the ones that require us to be gymnasts. I like it when she takes control and like it when she wants me to control.  Time of the day? Well, any time we can squeeze it in.  Love massages before, I would really rather give her one, than get one, but I would not complain either way. (Check my post – The Ultimate Massage.) Lights on, lights off, candles, moonlight through the window, it is all great.  Above anything else, I want all of these and would love rotating between them.  I may like some more than others, but the truth is, I would take variety over doing my favorite activities over and over.

06-chalkboard-calculation-lgnAnother Important Factor is Frequency:  This is impossible to really say how much is enough.  For some guys they will want 5 or more times a week for other guys 1 – 2 a week will be enough.  For most couples that, number will not be a firm number, but it will vary from week to week.  The most important thing is that you two talk together and that you find out what your husband is thinking about for frequency and what you are thinking.  That is the starting point, set a goal and try to make it happen.  You might want to keep track when you do have sex so that you know, chances are your husband knows how often you are having sex, he good chance he knows how many times you have turned him down since you last had sex also.

Photo Jun 02, 6 30 07 PMThe Most Important Thing is You Being Engaged:  Your husband does not want to be a passive partner, he wants you to enjoy it, (many guys are as worried about your O as they are about their own O.)  He wants you to participate.  If it is a time where he is taking charge, he wants you to enjoy, but he also wants you to let him know that you are enjoying what he is doing.  You don’t have to be a “screamer” to let him know that, but a little verbal feedback would not hurt, moans and sighs are great encouragement for a man.  As are things like, “Right there,” “don’t stop,” “oooh, that feels nice,” and “I love you!”  Your husband wants you to enjoy sex as much as or more than he does.  Nothing is sexier than having your spouse want you as much as you want them.  No, he is looking for you to be a porn star, but he does not want you staring at the ceiling and be thinking, “I wish we would have re-textured the ceiling before we painted this room.”

I-Want-You-620x350The Most Important Thing Your Husband Wants Is You!  He wants your love and your playfulness.  He wants your touch and your attention.  He wants you to be into him as much as you want him to be into you!

He may speak a different love language, but he loves you as much or more in his love language  as you do in yours.  If you want him to learn your love language, make sure you are willing to learn his. (If you need more info about Love Languages, click here for links from my resource page.)

Make Out Monday – Long Version

In case you are living in a place where the nights are getting colder and you need some longer music to cuddle (or Rock His World) to, I found this collection on Youtube, that has two hours of music.  Turn this collection on, plop down in your favorite location and enjoy each other for the next two hours of make out time together.

The Best of 80’s LOVE SONGS – 2 hours non stop Music

 

Classy not Trashy

One of the things that I love seeing the most in the world is when my wife dresses up for me.  I love to see her look her best, every time she fixes herself up for me, I am reminded that I am the luckiest guy in the world.  (Yes, I would still consider myself lucky even if she was not still beautiful, but it is like having an extra treat that she is beautiful and hot.) 

I think most guys would agree with me, that they love seeing their wives look nice for them.  I would encourage you ladies to dress up for your man any time you can. (I know it is a hassle to do everyday, but try for a few times a month, he will love it.)

A Few Things You May Want to Consider:

Your husband loves to see you look nice, to even look alluring, but he does not wantPaulina-Carmel-Modest-Clothing you to show off for the world.  There are some parts of you that are for his eyes only.  He wants to keep it that way.  This can include things that are too tight as well as too low cut or too high cut.  A while back I was at my favorite coffee shop one morning and it seemed like half the ladies there showing off more than what I would consider proper.  It disturbed me, coffee and an eye-full was not the way I wanted to start my day.  Classy, not trashy is always the way a Christian should dress, both male and female.  (My wife won’t let me wear my running tights unless I wear shorts over them)

Don’t forget, this includes around the house if there are others around.  It helps to set a good example for your kids, they need to know about modesty.  It is okay, when they get older, for them to know that you dress seductively for your husband sometimes, but they don’t need to see you in the outfits.

red_couture_corset_with_beadsWhen you and your husband are alone, show as much as you want.  If you have an inner seductress that wants to tease and titillate, go for it, tease and titillate as much as you want.  If you are a little more shy and not ready to show more skin that not, that is okay, find something that you like, something that says, “I want you to want me” and wear it for him.  I know that you ladies know best what you look good in.  I would suggest that every now and then, buy something that is a little out of your comfort zone and wear it for him.  He will love whatever you wear, because he knows you are trying to please him.

I know many women feel cheated if they get lingerie for a birthday gift, thinking it is really more for him.  I can see that, it makes sense.  I have tried a couple of times for my birthday to get my wife to buy herself some lingerie and wear it to bed for me on my birthday (or whatever event)!  I would love that, I get the feeling that your husband would like it also.

BTW – If you struggle with body image, you are probably worried about nothing.  Any decent guy knows that what is one the inside is more important than what is on the outside.  I am willing to bet that he loves you the way you are and wants you more than you realize.  I am most attracted to my wife’s build as a type of body I like. (Yes, I know it may have to do with love more than anything, but what is wrong with that?)  Studies have shown that it is true of most husbands.  Your heart will still shine more than anything else anyway and he loves that a lot.

In many ways the old idea is true: A man wants a classy wife in public, but in private, he desires someone who wants to Rock His WorldDressing to please him is a great way to start.

Biblical Submission: There is More than You Think!

I see a lot of Marriage Sites on the net that talk about biblical submission.  I want you to shooesknow that I believe in the concept and the practice of biblical submission, I think it is the best way for a family to function. However, in most of what I see about biblical submission, I do not see what I believe the Bible really teaches about biblical submission.  I would like to look at this passage and explain what I think most people miss when it comes to the concept of biblical submission.

Spirit-Guided Relationships: Wives and Husbands – Eph. 5:21-24 (Verses 25-33 will follow) [New Living Translation]

21 And further, submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.

Some Observations about this Passage:

  • Note: This command is for the wives, it is calling for wives to do this.  It does not say, Husbands, make your wife submit.
    • If a wife will not submit, it is ultimately between her and the Lord.
    • Husbands may suggest this is what his wife should do, but he should never try to force her.
  • Ladies, when you submit to your husband, it should be out of your love for the Lord, out of your desire to please God.  Yes, it will probably please your husband, but is ultimately part of your relationship and trust in the Lord that causes you to do this.
  • Notice that there is a certain amount of mutual submission involved here.  However, V. 21 is a general statement and V. 22 is a specific statement and in good interpretation, general statements are modified and refined by specific statements.  In other words, although there is a certain amount of mutual submission, there is greater degree put on the wives than the husbands. (Ladies, please stay with me on this one, read to the end before you get annoyed with me.)

Now for the Part that Seems to Get Skipped:

Eph. 5:25-33 For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her 26 to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word. 27 He did this to present her to himself as a glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. 28 In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. 29 No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. 30 And we are members of his body.

31 As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.” 32 This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. 33 So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Some Observations about this Passage:

  • This passage is written to husband, it tells then what they should do.  Notice through 111589385_2FlwNCje_cout the passage, it tells the husband to love his wife in a sacrificial way.
  • V. 25 – Love your wife as Christ loved the church – How did Jesus ultimately show His love the church? He died to establish it. – Wow, are most husbands doing that?
  • V. 28 – Husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. – Again, are husbands really loving their wife as much as they love them self?
  • In reality, what God is commanding the husband to do is to love their wife more than he loves himself.
  • Anytime a husband uses the concept of submission to treat his wife in an unloving way, he is wrong.
  • A husband must put his wife’s needs above his own needs.

Some Conclusions:

  • Anytime that a wife is not submitting to her husband, the husband needs to first ask himself, “Am I loving my wife as Christ loved the church?” If husband answers, “No.” then he needs to work on his part and not worry about her part.
  • Look how this all works together: When a man loves his wife so much that he is truly couple-talkingputting her needs above his own needs, then she would have not have to worry about submitting to him because the husband would never do anything to harm his wife.
  • A husband cannot really love his wife if he does not do the following:
    • Talk to his wife, see what she thinks of each and every situation going on which effects the family.
    • He must put her needs above his own needs and do, not what he wants, but what is best for his wife and family.
  • Husbands also need to be reminded, that the position that they are placed in is not really that of a privilege, but more of a responsibility.

Final thoughts:

  • This passage is one of the most miss-used, abused, and misunderstood passages in the Bible:
    • It has been miss-used by men (in the church) to put women in a second class status.
    • It has been used by feminists and others to show that Christianity is unjust and even invalid.
  • If the church will teach the truth of this passage and the totality of this passage instead of just part of it, it will become a passage that does create conflict (or at least as much conflict) and instead creates harmony and closeness.  While it might not solve all problems people have with this passage, it will go along way towards understanding what God really desires in marriage.